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Formerly obese mom overcoming body-image issues and ailments with a healthy mix of self-depreciation and determination.

Monday, June 29, 2015

I'm Beginning To Feel the Years (But I'm Going To Be Okay)

(song: Beginning to Feel the Years/artist: Brandi Carlile)

This month marks four years since I graduated from Booty School, A.K.A the Beachbody test group for the Brazil Butt Lift infomercial.  Four years of being fit, working out, running races and maintaining an overall weight loss of 60 pounds. Four years of being Formerly Fat Mom. Great, what now? That is the question.

I turned 40 in March. On my 40th birthday I was in Paris - a bucket list trip my husband and I started planning on my 39th birthday. The morning of my birthday, I bundled up for a run through the streets of the 7th arrondissement. It was misting and cold and I was running alone in Paris and it was glorious. Just as the lady on my running app said, "Distance: 1 mile...", I stopped, rested my hands on my knees, and quietly cried. I was so happy to be in Paris with my family on a monumental birthday, but in that moment I was overwhelmingly struck with the thought, "What's next for me?" Last week my 7-year-old son asked me if I have a job. I felt a stab in my gut as I answered that I work at home but I "don't have the kind of job that makes money like daddy".  It's not that I don't value what I do as a housewife, it's just that...I don't value myself in general.  There, I said it.

Weepy 40-year-old American mom runs Paris.
Turning over the decade inspired some introspection about my choices. I keep saying, "I need something that's mine," but I don't actually do anything. Yeah sure, I run and I workout, but I'm ready to be defined by more than my ability to do a perfect squat. I've been very honest about my struggles to love my body, and now it's time for me to love my mind. I've always doubted myself -- I think I'm not smart enough, not learned enough, not outgoing enough...I never think I'm good enough for anything (or anyone). I've allowed that constant stream of fear and self-doubt to prevent me from discovering my potential. I'm ready to conquer that fear.

That moment in Paris was a turning-point of sorts. I want to believe there's more for me and that I not only deserve it, but that I'm capable of achieving it. I'm not sure what "it" is yet but I just enlisted a great therapist (yeah, I'm totally into that) to help me stay focused on my possibilities and eliminate self-doubt and fear as I trudge through my mid-life crisis. I realize that what I'm going through isn't all that uncommon for gals my age, but for years now I've generally felt that I suck. I have to get out of that mindset in order to progress. Certainly my fitness transformation in 2011 had a hugely positive impact on my low self-esteem, but there's more work to be done. I'm starting to think I may have something to offer this world. I intend to figure out what that is and make my mark. Stay tuned...

This Is 40.


  1. You are an inspiration to us all...keep doing what you do "it" matters!!!

    1. Thank you so much, Betsy! that means a lot.

    2. Happy (VERY BELATED) Birthday! I am so happy to see you posting again. You really are an inspiration and I enjoy reading about your journey...Keep up the good work! I always thought you should do something fitness related for a career :-D

    3. Thanks Lexi!! I think you're right...

  2. I just had to tell you that I am starting the BBL program and am on day 5 of the 6 day supermodel slimdown. I read your journal with Leandro from start to finish. You inspired me so much I was in tears! Seriously, my husband panicked. This program is the only program I have ever tried, and it is seriously difficult, but I just think of how much he pushed you in your sessions and it helps me through. You can die knowing you have been an inspiration to a SAHM in CO. Thank you from the bottom of my butt(its currently bigger than my heart).

    1. Thank you so much, Sarah! I'm so touched. I hope you're sticking with the program. It really does work. I just restarted it myself. xx