Open Up Your Mouth and Feed It.

(song: Eat It/artist: Weird Al Yankovic) 

I'm a pig. A disgusting, gluttonous hog. Allow me to 'splain...

Saturday started great. I ran a 10K, then spent a lovely day with my son, husband and mother-in-law at Brooklyn Bridge Park. After the park, we stopped by my brother-in-law's for the tail-end of their post-race brunch. I shoved half a bagel with cream cheese, three pieces of buttery crumb cake, one alcoholic cider and two beers down my greedy gullet. My brother-in-law gave a bag of muffins, bagels and croissants to my mom-in-law, which I told her she shouldn't take, but she did anyway because she hates waste and it's a generational thing and I understand that but it's crappy food that's bad for you but she knows that and she's an adult so I let it go. Remember this piece of info; You'll need it later. 

Saturday night, I got all dolled up for a night of kidless fun with my hubby. Check out my new dress and shoes:
Roomy dress = opportunity for gluttony

We had a couple of cocktails at a local bar, then went to a 40th birthday party for one of our fellow parents. (Whose wife just happens to be the author of Persian Bites. Check it out!) I feasted on wonderful Persian fare and drank like I had no responsibility. The night - or rather morning - ended at about 1:30AM. 

Sunday was brutal. Kiddie soccer at 9AM meant no rest for this bloated mom. After soccer, I had eggs Benedict for brunch. Instead of lean Canadian bacon, it was served with uber-fatty mortadella. Delicious but artery-clogging. For dinner, hubby and I ordered up a mess of ribs, wings and macaroni & cheese from our favorite BBQ place, The Smoke Joint. I went to bed exhausted and stuffed.
Monday, there was no way in hell was going to exercise. I pretty much decided that when I went to bed Sunday night. I schlepped my kid to school, then came right home where I spent most of the day on my couch watching crap TV...and eating junk. I started with my son's leftover French toast. But that wasn't enough, so I made two more slices for myself. Then I had an ice cream sandwich. Then I hit the cheddar goldfish and the dried fruit. I took a break to pick up my son and managed to behave myself until dinner, when I ate ravioli covered in oil, salt and Parmesan cheese. Then my son went to bed, and since my husband wasn't coming home until late, I was all alone with my munchies and my faltering will-power. The stage was set for a an all-out pig fest. Because when no one's watching, I'm not accountable right? I wish...

I started with a couple of cheese sticks, a spoonful of almond butter, a handful of grapes, a fruit leather thing, some Pirate's Booty and another ice cream sandwich. Since I don't stock crappy snacks, I wasn't getting the fix I "needed". But then I remembered my secret stash. My mother-in-law brought a pre-Halloween bag of candy to my son. What 4-year-old doesn't need a bag of sugar before he goes trick-or-treating and collects a bag of sugar? C'mon Gram, you know better.  Luckily, he was distracted by the toy train she also brought, so I was able to move the candy bag to an undisclosed location without his knowledge. I perused the bag and decided the blueberry Jelly Bellys would be my first treat. They went down nice and easy. I LOVE jelly beans! Then I finished the mini M&Ms. I opened another bag of pea and carrot shaped Jelly Bellys and ate a handful. I still wasn't satisfied, so I went into my freezer and cracked open the bag of leftover baked goods that my brother-in-law gave to my mom-in-law. I heated a blueberry muffin, cut it in half and sat down for a muffin treat. I felt so gross. Eating that half muffin on top of all the sugary candy I had just eaten, made me feel sick.  And generally disgusted with myself. What the hell was I thinking?!

I went to the kitchen and dumped the baked goods into the garbage can. I made sure to take them out of the plastic bag so that I wouldn't be tempted to pull a George Costanza and eat them out of the garbage can. Bye bye bagel, so long muffins, sorry croissant, it just wasn't meant to be. You're all delicious, but there's no room for you in my life or on my ass. Then it was time to say goodbye to the candy. I opened and emptied it all into the trash can. My son won't miss it. I don't need the temptation. Halloween is just 5 days away and I'm really going to have to test my self-control then. I just hope no one's handing out Milky Ways...

This isn't the first time I've faltered. It probably won't be the last, given that I'm human. The important thing is that on Tuesday, I returned to my regularly scheduled programming of clean eating and exercising. I gave in to temptation and weakness, but I won't use that as excuse to screw up my whole week. You mess up, you move on and keep looking ahead, not back. If you have crap food in your house that you're saving "for the kids" or some other bullshit excuse, do yourself (and your kids) a favor and get rid of it. If you shouldn't eat it, neither should your kids.

Yeah...You're a Loser Now

(song: I've Tried Everything/artist: Eurythmics)

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! I wanted to kick my husband's ass, but that magnificent bastard was just too good!

I'm number 1 in my heart...

I started strong. The race looped Prospect Park twice. The entire first loop, I was right behind my husband. I felt surprisingly great. Then came the second loop, and the second climb up the brutally gradual hill at the top of the park. That's when the red cap that had been in my sights for 3.34 miles, started to get farther and farther away. I kept thinking, "He's probably only 30 seconds ahead at this point. Just keep your pace. He'll tire and you'll catch up..." WRONG! Eventually, the red cap was out of view. In the end, he beat me by 1 minute, 8 seconds. My official time for my first 10K was 57:11. 

Post-race photo-op dork.
Here's the thing, I did a practice 10K just 5 days before the race. My time was 1 hour and 7 minutes. In five days, I shaved almost 10 minutes off my time! I finished 87th in my division (35 to 39-year-old females) and 1,777th overall. Not bad when you consider there were over 7,000 people running. I feel really proud of what I accomplished. I also really loved competing with my husband! And yeah, I know it's harder to beat men because they're faster by virtue of hormones, genes, muscular structure, blah blah blah. Scientific probability is not going to stop me from trying again. That's right, I'm already registered for my next race. Better keep those quads and hammies loose baby. I'm coming for you!

So I didn't beat my bigger, stronger, husband. I pushed through and achieved another, seemingly improbable goal, which was to finish in under 60 minutes. YAY ME! And I have to say, a 68-second "loss", is not all that shameful. I also finished before my husband's sister and brother, which was pretty satisfying. Especially since I'm almost a decade older than my brother-in-law. Thanks T, for tacking on mass and maintaining your Mac-like dedication to gluttony, so that I can feel good about my little victories. 

This Time Tomorrow. Where Will I be?

(song: This Time Tomorrow/artist: Ray Davies)

Oh my god, I am so damn excited about my first 10K! Not just because, after 12 years of physical inferiority, I can finally compete with my husband, but because I also get to compete with ME. In December I ran a 4-mile race - my first race - in nearly 50 minutes. I was really proud of that time. It was pre-Butt Master and post-Turbo Jam. My only goal for that race was to finish without walking; Which I did. This time tomorrow, I will feel that pride again. Only my goal is not just to complete the race without walking; It's to complete it with or before my husband. I believe I can do it. I believe I can do anything. And it's that faith in myself that carries me through every workout, every day. Forever.

If you can't wait till the next blog post, stop by my Facebook page. I'll post my results immediately following my triumphant crossing of the finish line. (Within reason. I may stop for water and few high-fives first...)

It's time for this super dork to go to bed.  Wish me luck!

Fooled Around and Fell In Love

(song: Fooled Around and Fell In Love/artist: Elvin Bishop)

Shhh...Don't tell the Butt Master, but I've met someone else. Her name is Tracy Anderson, and I'm really into her Mat Workout DVD.  I don't know much about Tracy, except that Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna are two of her clients, which means nothing to me since they are not formerly fat people, but still, I gave this workout a try and I LOVE it! 

Apparently, she was once an aspiring ballet dancer but she's crazy short so she tended to look more "bulky" than lithe, like a ballet dancer should be. Her workout is designed to tone and create chiseled lines without making you look like a budding body-builder. There's no weights.  Tracy has a bunch of different DVDs on the market. I've only done the Mat Workout

Here's what I love about it:
-It's kind graceful, almost ballet-like. The movements are constant and fluid throughout the the workout. I dare say, I feel kind of sexy when I'm doing this DVD. Because it's flowy, you're fooled into thinking it's going to be's not.
-The background music is pretty good. I mean, with any DVD that you do a lot, you're going to get tired of hearing the same music, but so far, I still really like it. It's not as cheesy as some other DVDs. (I'm talking to you Butt Master.)
-She has a great arm series that's hard as hell but works every angle and muscle on your arm so it's awesome. I love love love it. (She does use three-pound weights on the arm series, but no weights anywhere else.)
-The ab series on the floor is rad. I still love The Butt Master's Tummy Tuck DVD, but Tracy kills it on abs too.
-It's a full-body workout. She starts with a standing leg series, then standing abs, then killer arms, then you go to the floor for more legs, then abs. It's 57 minutes of awesomeness, you'll be sore as hell after the first time, but you'll be dying to do it again the next day. At least, I was...

Here's what I don't like:
-She barely talks. When you do the DVD the first few times, you have to constantly look up to see what she's doing because she gives very little instruction. The moves aren't complicated, but she switches sides without saying anything, so you might end up moving one leg for an entire series, without realizing she's moved to the other leg.
-The standing ab series is super hard and complicated. She basically slides all around her ribcage for three minutes in a way I don't think I'll ever be able to do, but I keep trying. While she's going all diagonal, I usually keep moving side-to-side. I find this section very hard to follow, but I don't just skip it. I modify...
-The leg series is great, but I still have a lot of fat on my thighs so I personally feel her workout is geared toward flabby, not fat bodies, that need toning and sculpting, not more weight loss. For my saddle bags, there's only one DVD program that works for me. (I'm talking to you again Butt Master.) 
-She's kind of cold and blah. I'm used to Chalene Johnson's and Leandro's bubbly demeanors. Tracy is not bubbly. She's quiet and serious and barely smiles. I would have hated this DVD when I was a size 16 and couldn't walk a mile without sweating. She's not much of a motivator. But then again, this is her first DVD and she may be more comfortable on-camera in her more recent DVDs.

Don't worry, I will never divorce Leandro or Chalene, but sometimes, you have to mix it up to keep things fresh and exciting. I've always got room in my heart for one more hard body. Welcome to the family Tracy!

It's Time to Start the Countdown. I'm Gonna Burn it Down, Down, Down.

(song: Fun House/artist: Pink)

Hey y'all. In exactly two weeks from today, I will run the Rock 'n' Roll 10 K in Prospect Park - my first 10K! (For the metric-impaired, that's 6.2 miles.) Now, I know that there are some folks saying. "Whatever. Six miles is nothing." And then are those that are saying, "SIX miles! I'd probably die." Since I am not a real runner - I only started running this year to supplement my cardio needs during the test group - my running ability falls somewhere between those two statements. 

I live near Prospect Park and I try to run the 3.34 mile loop at least three times a week. Most of the time I do it in about 30 minutes. Most of the time I do it without walking. One time I did it in 29 minutes, but my average time is 31 minutes. But the race will be TWICE around the loop, and I NEVER feel able to run the loop twice. There's a killer hill at the bottom of the park. The thought of doing it twice, makes me want to puke. To prove to myself that I could (or couldn't) do the loop twice, I tried it one September morning. I did it - without walking - in 64 minutes. That's fine for a first try. But here's the thing: I am married to the world's most competitive man. And he is also running the race. So 64 minutes simply will not be good enough if I'm going to be able to compete with this guy! Also, two of his equally-competitive siblings are running, so the stakes are even higher. My husband and his siblings are not ambassadors of good sportsmanship. (Trivial Pursuit gets really heated when my husband and his sister are on opposing teams.) You finish last, you'll never hear the end of it...

You may recall that my hubby and I ran the July 4th 5K in Georgia and I shocked him (and myself) by finishing only one second after him. In almost 13 years together, I have never been able to physically compete with this man. But thanks to The Butt Master and my new found inner and physical strength, I am the strongest I've ever been and I want to CRUSH the competition! I don't want to lose by one second, I WANT TO BEAT HIM. Can I do it? We'll find out in 14 days...

I think I can...