The Only Thing I've Ever Seen of You Was a Commercial Spot on the Screen

(song: Movie Star/artist: Harpo)

Well hello everyone! Hope you all survived the Thanksgiving holiday. I will be writing a post about (my) holiday survival, but that can wait.

I have exciting news...

The BRAZIL BUTT LIFT^®  infomercial has hit the airwaves, and I made the final cut!!

Look at me mom, I'm on TV! In a bikini. On a rotating turntable. Talking about my butt. Okay, this is not exactly the big break my parents had in mind, 16 years ago when I left Georgia in search of stardom in the Big Apple. And, yeah, my poor son will probably be humiliated when this video surfaces during his presidential campaign in 2052, but hopefully this will be the biggest scandal he's faced with when that time comes. At least they airbrushed mama's tramp stamp! 

Check out my heartfelt testimonial:
 (Thanks to Mayhew Breen Productions and Beachbody® for letting me post this)

Okay, which part did you laugh at the most? "I'm the me that I wanted to be." OR "It's like a heart!" It's a toss-up for me. I know I sound like a total cheeseball ('cause I am), but I was so very sincere in that interview! Although you only hear and see me, I was answering a series of questions from Marc, the director. He's great at making "regular" people feel comfortable on-camera and I was honestly answering his questions about my experience, about the workouts, about Leandro, about my old butt, my new butt, my abs...a giggle here...a "I can't believe this is my butt" there...and that's a wrap! I especially liked the footage of me exercising "in the comfort of my own home".  I ALWAYS workout in full make-up with a dorky smile on my face. Okay, I do in fact have the dorky smile on my face when I exercise, and I often workout in full make-up (Don't judge me. You think I'm going to the Butt Master's class in my "crunchy Brooklyn mom" face?!), but I never look as good as infomercial Alison when I'm working up a sweat.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Since I was the nerd that did Leandro's Tummy Tuck DVD religiously - every day, I got a tiny extra snippet:

 

So there I am. Infomercial infamous! And although being in the infomercial was never the reason I auditioned for the test group, it is totally the icing on the cake. A very honest, sincere and hysterically funny portrait of my incredible three-month journey.

And here's one tiny segment for the benefit of my former classmates from The American Musical & Dramatic Academy. In this group workout scene, you will find me ALL THE WAY IN THE BACK. (Anyone that was in a dance class with me knows why.) Just look right over Leandro's head - several rows back - and you'll see the tall, brunette, wearing a light blue tank-top, spastically waving her arms in the opposite direction as the rest of the group. It's a nano-second long, but delightful nonetheless. 

Now that is classic Alison. The Butt Master makes dreams a reality, but it when it comes to my rhythm, even he can't deliver miracles.

How I Missed Those Loving Arms

(song: Back In Baby's Arms/artist: Patsy Cline)

OUCH!!! I can barely type this post because I'm already so so sore from... LEANDRO'S CLASS! Oh yes, I reunited with The Master of my Bum Bum for his brutally awesome 90-minute class at Equinox. Because I am not a member of this fancy schamncy gym, I have to walk in with Leandro, so I arrived early - and ridiculously excited. I nearly leaped off the couch when I saw him walk in! I haven't seen him since July, when I took his swim class. We hugged, I kissed his toned cheek (on his face, you perve), he pointed me to the locker room and told me to get ready for a great class. It would be a total lie if I said I haven't been looking forward to this all week. Seriously, I've been working out extra hard just because I knew I was going to see Leandro today. I mean, this guy changed my life, my body, my whole perspective. (Plus I was super nervous that he'd check out my ass and be disappointed that it's the same or slightly worse than the last day of the test group. He made no such assessments. At least, not out loud...)

In the locker room I encounter Gloria, Leandro's assistant, who became a kind-of a mom to me during the extension month of the test-group. Gloria was in a test-group a few years ago, and then started working for Leandro. She's such a kind soul and getting to know her during the extension was very meaningful to me. During one of my last workouts at Leandro's studio, she randomly said (while I doing a perfect split-squat), "You're going to be a great trainer." I had never said anything about becoming a trainer and her statement scared the hell out of me. I couldn't even accept the fact that the test-group was going to be over in a week, much less think about what the future held for me. Gloria knew, long before I was ready to admit it, that I had found my calling. When I saw her in the locker room, I immediately embraced her and told her how happy I was to see her. I also gave her a book called Run Like a Girl. A series of interviews with women from all walks of life that illustrate "how the confidence women build by participating in sports...can transform our lives in profound ways".  I hope she likes it!

So I get into the studio and it's packed with gals from every end of the fitness spectrum. I also noticed a few faces from the first test-group, which was about four years ago. They are all still very fit, which makes me think, "I can totally do this!" And guess who else is taking the class...SANDRA ALVIM! Yep, the taught 60-year-old Brazilian bombshell that I had to workout next to on my second day of the test-group, is there in the front row. Her tiny round booty looks better than ever. I want to be this woman when I'm 60! Okay, I want to be this woman when I'm 40...

Leandro mics up and greets the class. He ask for a show-of-hands of first-timers. There are quite a few. I remember what it was like to be seconds away from my first workout with Leandro. These girls have the same look of panic-stricken excitement that I had. I, of course, have the doofy look of a child that just found her long-lost blankie. I'm so freaking excited to get started! Leandro cranks the Brazilian dance music and we are off and running. Woo hoo! It's 30-minutes of cardio, featuring old favorites like, side-lunge-knee-ups, alternating side-squats, burpees and my all-time favorite (really) the curtsy lunge! During the "shake your booty and beat the drums" move, Leandro comes over to me. I shook my money maker, relieved I decided to double-up my Lululemon tights today. I still really don't love cardio, but I'm so much better at it now, and I am so happy to be in this class that I don't even care that the sweat pouring down my face is really burning the skin on my freshly waxed upper-lip. (I couldn't let The Butt Master see my momstache...)

The next 30-minute-segment was upper-body toning. We grab mats and dumbells and return to our spots for shoulders, bi-ceps, tri-ceps, chest...rinse and repeat. I really feel the burn! I don't use heavy weights now that I'm deep into my Tracy Anderson "ballet arm" obsession, so even though I'm only using 8 and 10-pound weights, it really friggin' hurts. But I kept right on going. Though I did have to borrow Gloria's 5-pounders during the lateral raise series. (Thanks G!) My arms had their own pulse when we finished.

The final 30-minutes was all about abs. Holy crapoly! There was so much moaning...from me. All familiar moves. All just as hard as I remember. I have to give a hand to the first-timers for making it through the class. Nothing about it was easy. My whole body felt (and still feels) like Jello. It was so GREAT! Oh I miss doing this every day!

After class, I thanked Leandro for inviting me to class. We hugged and kissed and he says, "Any time. I want to see you a lot." It's a date Butt Master! It's a date...

Obrigado por tudo Leandro! 

Reunited, and it feels so good! (Me, Leandro & Gloria.)