God I Hope I Get It!

(I know my fellow musical theater nerds will appreciate the title of this installment.)

Okay, so I get the notice about the Brazil Butt Lift® audition in NYC.  Brazil Butt Lift® (or BBL as I'll be calling it) is yet another program in the Beachbody® family. Created by Brazil native Leandro Carvalho, it's a workout program designed to target the ass and all it's many complex parts. (How's that for dumbing it down?) 

The first step in the audition process is to submit an online questionnaire, and of course, attach pictures of your butt. Why not? I title my submission "FORMERLY FAT BROOKLYN MOM NEEDS A BUTT LIFT!", you know, so they'd notice me and forget about all the other big-bottomed gals. I include a little info and say things like, "I'd like to lose another 15-20 pounds and really focus on my "hip region". I've got thunder thighs and I'm ready to see those saddle bags shrink and get my booty higher and tighter! (Or just high and tight...)" and "This test group would be an amazing opportunity for me to keep myself focused on "Phase 2" of my body's transformation and to show real women that nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it and commit to yourself." That'll get 'em for sure!

We were also told to attach a "lifestyle" photo. Though I have know idea what this really means, I assume they didn't want to see me in my usual frumpy mom garb, but rather a more dolled-up version of myself, so I send this photo.

My "lifestyle photo"

I also had to attach a picture of MY BOOTY, which I will spare my blog followers. It ain't pretty...yet.

I send the application and wait. Four days later, I get an email inviting me to audition in-person with Leandro "The Butt Master" Carvalho! I'm so excited and terrified when I read "Please come in form flattering clothes and bring/ wear a bathing suit  or short fitness shorts to change into for your interview with Leandro and the casting team."  Super. Me, in a bathing suit, in February, in front of a room of strangers. What do I have to lose...besides my dignity?

2-10-2011 - AUDITION DAY:
Armed with a one-piece bathing suit, workout clothing and a bad case of nerves, I head to my big audition. Now here's the trippy part. When I get off the elevator, I immediately have that "I've been here before feeling.." (This usually happens in bars, where there's little mystery behind why I can't remember..) Then it hits me. Way way way back when I was young - in the 90s - I was in theater school (surprise!), and this studio is the exact location of our senior class' mock-audition. Fifteen years later, there I am, as terrified as I was on that day in 1997. I felt like it was the universe saying "Ha Ha" a la Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons. 

I'm greeted by young, thin  20-somethings, then asked to fill out some paperwork and change into my bathing suit for a quick Polaroid of my rump. Ugh. I do it. While I'm standing there getting my snapshots, The Butt Master is interviewing three gals who are wearing a combo of swimwear and workout wear and answering questions about their butts. I give him a quick wave, and flash my award-winning smile, which I'm sure did not distract him from the giant pair of thighs I was sporting...

Next, I change into my workout gear and move to the interview table. My heart is pounding. I'm "job-interview-nervous". Breathe, just breathe. I shake The Butt Master's hand and sit on a flimsy folding chair, which really accentuates the land-mass that are my things. We talk about my weightloss, my future goals, my butt, my butt and more about my butt. He asks me if I can commit to the entire program and I tell him emphatically "I SURE CAN!" 

Two of the moves I did in the audition. No, I did not expose my milky-white midriff.

Then, I'm paired with another Booty School hopeful and we are given a little routine to do. Pretty mortifying but, considering I have never done Leandro's routines, I did pretty well. At least he saw that I can squat, lunge and follow directions. We get the old, "Thank you ladies, we'll be in touch", and I leave. Hopeful and glad that part is over.  


I return to my life, and wait. After two days with no word, I'm sure I didn't get it, then ding! an email arrives: "CONGRATULATIONS ON MAKING IT THROUGH THE SELECTION PROCESS- YOU’RE IN!" Oh my god, I got it! I actually got it!  Holy shit, I have to exercise six days-a-week, for the next weight weeks. DOH!