Those Lazy Days of Summer Are Here

(song: Dry County/artist: The B-52s)

Hey y'all! Greetings from hot and humid Brooklyn, NY. I've just returned home after six weeks in my even hotter and more humid hometown of St. Simons Island, GA. As most of you know from my last post, I've been having a tough time figuring out who I am and what I want as I move forward in this new decade of my life. Being home with family and friends, and connecting with those who've known me most of my life was good for my soul. I'm still feeling lost, but not as afraid. Baby steps.

In addition to taking in some southern love, I took in a lot of southern food...

Country buffet, anyone?

and quite a few cocktails.

I arrived in Georgia with all of my healthy staples - almond butter, Vega protein smoothie mix for post-workout fuel, coconut milk, supplements etc. I left Georgia with a whole bunch of unopened almond butter, Vega protein smoothie mix for post-workout fuel, coconut milk, supplements etc. Seriously, I ditched all of my healthy eating habits and I ate with reckless abandon.  I could not get enough fried, sweet, or processed food into my body. And if I'm being completely honest, I didn't give a damn. Let's just add it to the "mid-life crisis" column. But now I'm home and so are my good habits. Almost 5 years into this lifestyle, I find it so much easier to get right back on the wagon. My experience with Whole30 helped tremendously. I don't make excuses anymore, I just do it.

The one good thing I did for my body (and my mind) in Georgia was run. 16 runs in 6 weeks. And I needed every damn one of them. Not just to off-set the garbage I shoveled into my mouth every day, but to help  clear my mind. Such great therapy. In fact, I registered for a half-marathon in October. I signed up ages ago but never announced it because I had already told myself I probably wouldn't do it. Fuck that. I'm not quitting. My ankle isn't as strong as it once was, and I'm not as fast as I was in 2013 but I'm not in any pain and even if I have to walk most of it, I WILL FINISH THE RACE. (And now it's on the Internet so I can't back out.)

 

Sure I felt like I was going to die, but I looked good.

I'm Beginning To Feel the Years (But I'm Going To Be Okay)

(song: Beginning to Feel the Years/artist: Brandi Carlile)

This month marks four years since I graduated from Booty School, A.K.A the Beachbody test group for the Brazil Butt Lift infomercial.  Four years of being fit, working out, running races and maintaining an overall weight loss of 60 pounds. Four years of being Formerly Fat Mom. Great, what now? That is the question.

I turned 40 in March. On my 40th birthday I was in Paris - a bucket list trip my husband and I started planning on my 39th birthday. The morning of my birthday, I bundled up for a run through the streets of the 7th arrondissement. It was misting and cold and I was running alone in Paris and it was glorious. Just as the lady on my running app said, "Distance: 1 mile...", I stopped, rested my hands on my knees, and quietly cried. I was so happy to be in Paris with my family on a monumental birthday, but in that moment I was overwhelmingly struck with the thought, "What's next for me?" Last week my 7-year-old son asked me if I have a job. I felt a stab in my gut as I answered that I work at home but I "don't have the kind of job that makes money like daddy".  It's not that I don't value what I do as a housewife, it's just that...I don't value myself in general.  There, I said it.

Weepy 40-year-old American mom runs Paris.

 
Turning over the decade inspired some introspection about my choices. I keep saying, "I need something that's mine," but I don't actually do anything. Yeah sure, I run and I workout, but I'm ready to be defined by more than my ability to do a perfect squat. I've been very honest about my struggles to love my body, and now it's time for me to love my mind. I've always doubted myself -- I think I'm not smart enough, not learned enough, not outgoing enough...I never think I'm good enough for anything (or anyone). I've allowed that constant stream of fear and self-doubt to prevent me from discovering my potential. I'm ready to conquer that fear.

That moment in Paris was a turning-point of sorts. I want to believe there's more for me and that I not only deserve it, but that I'm capable of achieving it. I'm not sure what "it" is yet but I just enlisted a great therapist (yeah, I'm totally into that) to help me stay focused on my possibilities and eliminate self-doubt and fear as I trudge through my mid-life crisis. I realize that what I'm going through isn't all that uncommon for gals my age, but for years now I've generally felt that I suck. I have to get out of that mindset in order to progress. Certainly my fitness transformation in 2011 had a hugely positive impact on my low self-esteem, but there's more work to be done. I'm starting to think I may have something to offer this world. I intend to figure out what that is and make my mark. Stay tuned...

This Is 40.