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Formerly obese mom overcoming body-image issues and ailments with a healthy mix of self-depreciation and determination.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Don't Freeze Up Girl. You're Looking Quite A Sight.

4.21.11 - "Sexy Thursday"

KILL ME NOW! That's how I felt when Leandro announced that today would be "Sexy Thursday". I played along on the Carnaval thing...twice. (Oh yeah, we had another "dress up like it's Carnaval" day last week.) This time, he wants us to wear "very little clothes to show your sexy new bodies". I almost immediately recoiled in horror. Enough with the super dancey classes! We're almost at the end and I need to really workout, not get all flustered trying to contort my awkward limbs all over the room! I did tell him that, while I now feel a thousand times better about my body than I did 8.5 weeks ago, I am not comfortable enough to workout with my belly or thighs exposed. When I lifted my shirt, he nodded in agreement...then we did extra ab work at the end of class.

Since our instructions for Sexy Thursday were to wear skimpy clothing, I chose my sexiest workout outfit. Oh yeah...drink it in.



What the hell do you want from me!? I have to be able to watch myself in the mirror and NOT want to vomit at the sight of myself gyrating like an epileptic stripper! This is my interpretation of "very little clothes". So there! I wore heavy make-up...that has to count for something. 

The other girls in the class, the ones with flat bellies, no saddle bags and lots of self-confidence, got serious with the sexy outfits. There were bikinis, stripper heels, fish-net stockings and feather boas. 

Check it out:


Oh sorry. Since I didn't ask anyone's permission to use their image, I have to protect myself from any litigious booty school peers. But take my word for it, people went all out with the sexy outfits. And I wore that hot pink boa...

This, like the two other all-dance classes before it, started sort of fun. But this time, Leandro's moves seemed faster and more complicated - to me. About 10 minutes into class, I moved myself from the front-row-center of the group, to the back-row-left...closest to the exit. This was often where I was positioned in group numbers during my musical theatre school dance classes. I was tall enough for the audience to see my smiling face, but be spared the pain of watching me attempt grace.  Today was no exception. I quickly went from frustrated to angry. All I wanted was a good workout, but I just couldn't follow the routine and I became so frustrated that I just kind of gave up and shuffled in the general directions but wasn't really sweating or getting the hard cardio I wanted. Truthfully, I was on the verge of tears for most of the routine.  The moves were more detailed and faster and I simply could not catch up. 

Then things went from bad to worse.

Just when I thought I couldn't be more miserable, Leandro asks one of my fellow test subjects to teach us a chair-dance routine. Michelle is her name and she's awesomely fit, sexy, coordinated, comfortable in her own skin...everything I'm not. She also teaches a chair and pole-dance workout class, so she's kind of really good at it. She was great at teaching the steps - her banter with the class was great - and it was really fun watching her, but for me, this was intensely uncomfortable. Every insecurity I had/have about my body, came bubbling to the surface. I was already so frustrated by the routine with Leandro, that I just couldn't let go of that anger and cut loose. I felt just as awkward as I did in October of 1995 when I had to "audition" for the dance teachers at musical theater school so they could place us in our classes. I pleaded with them to just put me in the beginner level and spare me the humiliation of dancing in front of everyone when they already knew I had no prior experience. It was mortifying. Not unlike that day in 1995, my frustration and embarrassment brought me to tears.

I thought I was more secure now. Most of the time, I am. But for some reason, the pressure was too much today. I think one of the reasons is that, if this is my last week, I want to have the best, most intense workouts so that I end on a high note and feel more positive about the harsh reality that the hardest part of this journey begins, when this test group ends. Today, I felt like a complete failure. I had a terrible attitude and I feel like that attitude might have blown any chance of being selected for the extension month. I tried, but just couldn't turn it around.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh. Sounds like those days on America's Best Top Model when the challenges are even more arbitrary and wholly unrelated to modeling than usual. And where is Leandro's sexy outfit for Le Sexy Day? Not even a bare midriff?! (Though I do like those shoes . . . damn . . .)

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